Ok, I’ll be honest, I’m annoyed with this current administration. Annoyed is an understatement. Today I’m feeling petty. So I’ve decided to look at the nutritional guidelines put out by the folks at MAHA (Make America Healthy Again, for those of you who decided to go off grid after November 2024).

At first glance it is just a recycled version of what I grew up with in the 90s, only inverted.

Wait, where have I seen that before…? Hrmm…. Oh, yes!

The info cards also look familiar…..

Yup…

Given the absurdity of the policy making and clownish behaviour over the past year, I’m fairly certain Cards Against Humanity and Always Sunny is exactly where they’ve drawn their inspiration. Only, none of these people are actually funny. Nor are their policies.

As for what the “new” guidelines say…it is a mix of old ideas wearing a new suit, sprinkled with a few extra bits of fad diet, and essentially no information on environmental impact or animal welfare.

First, they push protein like they accidentally produced too much protein and need to clear out the warehouse of ALL THIS PROTEIN! Yes, we need protein, I’m not knocking that, but they mention it a few times and reads like a poster in gym. My real qualm, however, is they failed to caveat the risks of eating large quantities of red meat, and casually slipped steak into the list as though it is created equal. It is not.

Second, they recommend consuming dairy (3 servings a day) yet don’t extrapolate on what kinds of dairy are most beneficial or how to determine that. There is also a noticeable omission of stating pasteurized milk, which I suspect was done deliberately. FYI, high quality, fresh cheeses versus “cheese products” or shredded bagged cheeses are best as they still retain the cultures from the fermentation process and for anyone consuming milk in their 40s to ward off osteoporosis, you should stop…. Other beneficial dairy products not listed on this game card was yogurt and kefir.

This is a category I struggle with because, whilst I am team “why are human adults drinking food for baby cows”, I do love a fancy ass charcuterie board with some aged gouda and a triple creme. I also struggle with the animal welfare and environmental impact…which is why I drink a lot of wine with my cheese.

Forget the sorrows, eat the cheese.

This one is just part of the pettiness….the microorganisms in your gut aren’t called THE microbiome. It is just one of many. It is, specifically, your GUT microbiome.

Where they mention healthy fats, a fad instantly jumps out at me: beef tallow. There is also an omission of seed oils. The addition of one over the other is based mostly on TikTok science rather than any actual REAL science, with very little evidence from randomized control trials (RCTs). If I made you a casserole using vegetables sautéed in sunflower seed oil, whole grain faro, and dog shit, and you conclude that your bowel distress must have been the sunflower seed oil, I have no words for you. If I later on made a casserole using vegetables sautéed in beef tallow, whole grain faro, and no dog shit and you said you felt amazing after that meal because of the beef tallow I would throw my shoe at your head.

The section on processed foods and refined sugars: no notes.

I feel like I am running out of time on this dissection, and I have so much snark reserved for their advice on infants and children, so I will leave it here for now.

What I really hope you take away from this is that RFK Jr. is peddling a funnel scheme, an inverted pyramid….INVIGARON! (If you don’t get this joke, you really are missing out. Go watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, one of the greatest shows on TV). And this rag tag group of fake scientists are getting their inspiration from a game.

What’s that smell? Is it…Moral ambiguity? Mutually-assured destruction? White privilege? Bullshit? It’s probably the dead bear in Central Park that someone left.