This weekend we went to the annual work party for my partner’s company – always a swanky affair with lots of great food and booze. Think: open bar, beautiful floral centre pieces, and flatware nicer than anything I own. Every year, the company opens up a tab at a local bar for an after-party which means…more and more alcohol. This year I was talked into attending the after-party by a friend, but my body was telling me two days later what a mistake that was, and I wasn’t even inebriated.

That was all just a bit of scene setting, poorly done, because my actual point has more to do with how we might care for others who are three sheets to the wind and why we do what we do. As a woman, I have experienced countless moments in my life where the women’s bathroom becomes and inner sanctum for drunk females all around. The sober women become the protectors of the less coherent, offering water and ibuprofen, asking if they came with a friend, and sometimes offering to call a cab. It’s a beautiful moment, in its own way, but begs the question why are we so protective of one another in those moments?

This weekend, one friend (male) was in a bit of a state at the after-party and it was my intention to get him home safely. I left him in the care of my partner while I went to chat (read: scream/shout/holler over the insanely loud music) with another friend and in that time our little drunky wandered back to the hotel, alone. After scolding my partner for letting him leave, he assured me “he’s fine!”

So this had me wondering…what are men’s restrooms like at these establishments? Do men not care about their fellow guys? Then it occurred to me: they don’t need to worry. It isn’t to say that men are untouchable, but they have a different lived reality than women.

My Poorly Researched Thesis

I’d like to propose an alternative explanation for women’s behaviours than the one most of society might believe. For my entire life I have been taught that we (females) are natural care takers. I would honestly love to have someone compile a list of books and papers that truly support this claim because the only evidence I’ve seen is tainted by social norms and binary gender roles that have been bestowed upon each of us our entire lives. I said in my post last week that we are even pushed into certain career fields – nurse, teacher, helper roles.

I would argue, however, that our response to our fellow ladies in the bar bathroom is less about care taking instincts and more about survival instincts. We are constantly under threat and grow more vulnerable after a few drinks. I believe we create these cocoons of safety because we have been taught that the world is not as safe for us as it is for men and if we protect other women, then hopefully they will be there to protect us in our own hour of need.

We built a community of care out of necessity, not out of innate nurturing qualities.

It is certainly less romantic and maybe even a bit difficult to grasp at first, to toss out the notion that women are a gentle and nurturing gender, but to be fair, we didn’t exactly get to write our own stories. Men made them up to suit their own needs.

Also this weekend I watched my eldest dog interact with a puppy – she was less than impressed. This deepened my awareness of how wrong they have our gender pegged. In my own admission of not wanting children of my own, claiming they did not fit into the life I wanted to live, I was often met with scoffing and the “you’ll change your mind one day” comments. Why? Because I’m female? (FYI: I did end up having an oopsie baby, but that desire for children never did kick in – still waiting for that supposed moment, well into perimenopause!)

No. I’m sorry to tell you all, as a gender, we are no more preoccupied with care for others than the men of this world. You all just made us think we had to be that way. Our brains might see the world differently – maybe an inherently female thing, maybe a learned thing – and these differences might make us more efficient care takers, but that is a far cry from being something we enjoy, want, or yearn for in the collective sense.

It also ignores all of the possible ways we may see ourselves in gender. Humans really do love to label and categorize things. Perhaps it makes them feel safe and certain about a world that is incredibly chaotic….

An Alternate Reality

Interestingly, when I lived in Germany I was able to let that guard down a bit. We were in Southeast Wiesbaden, a location brimming with large, fabulous villas, essentially untouched by the burdens of World War 2 because the allies set up their headquarters in the area. Just across the river (Rhein), Mainz wasn’t so lucky. As a result, much of the money and fortune of that area left it one of the safest places I’ve ever lived. I could have drinks with friends downtown, wear a dress, and walk home without any harassment from another human being.

This may sound silly, but it was so freeing. Like shackles had been taken from my soul allowing me to explore the world without restraints, always postured to be invisible or fight back against an unknown adversary.

I miss that life, for multiple reasons.

I think a big part of the problem we face is just how normalized it is for women to walk through the world this way, and I hope that I get to see that change manifest itself into existence within my lifetime.

So, to my fellow ladies, I hope that one day you also get to experience walking the world without fear or self-defense training and to my friend who made it back to the hotel safely, I’m glad, but I might tether you in place next time, male or not.